When I first heard that there was going to be an Ocean’s 8 movie with a female cast, I had two main thoughts: one—this is an awesome idea and I can’t wait to see it, and two—most importantly, I would love to see another remake starring an actual “ocean’s eight” pulling off a heist.
Picture it: eight different sea creatures trying to make it in the big reef city. One has the brains, one has the brawn and they all have the ability to survive underwater. After falling on some hard times, their old ringleader brings the gang back together for one last big catch: robbing Poseidon, king of the sea. Using their unique set of skills, the aquatic team bands together for their biggest caper yet, and hijinks ensue.
While the studio execs in Hollywood have yet to respond to my emails, I wanted to share with you my dream casting for the next remake. Here are the top eight ocean creatures that I’d want to help me pull off a heist:
The Sailfish: The Getaway Driver
- One of the fastest fish in the sea, the sailfish can reach speeds of up to 68 miles per hour. Though they usually use this speed to catch their prey, it would definitely come in handy to help the rest of the gang make a quick escape.
The Anglerfish: The Deep Sea Expert
- In a heist, it’s vital to enlist someone who knows the seedy underbelly of the city: someone who hadn’t merely adopted the darkness, but was born into it, molded by it. The anglerfish is the queen of the ocean’s deep. With their sharp, translucent teeth and bioluminescent lures, female anglerfish are some of the most intimidating fish in the sea.
The Oyster: The Jewelry Maker
- Now, you might be thinking, “This all sounds great, but what are they going to do when Poseidon realizes his treasure’s been stolen!?” Fret not! This is where the humble oyster comes in. Though not all oysters produce pearls, the team would need to enlist one that does to produce some decoy treasures. In this scenario, the oyster would also make other jewelry/precious metals and would wear quirky hats. Just go with it.
The Tusk Fish: The Handyman
- For most ocean creatures, breaking into a safe is a near impossible task—not having thumbs, for one, adds a certain degree of difficulty. If only there were a fish that was an expert in using tools to break into things…OH WAIT! THERE IS ONE! Tusk fish are one of the few fish that have been observed using tools. Much like how they use the side of pieces of coral to break into their dinner, the tusk fish would use the tools at their disposal to break into the safe.
The Mantis Shrimp: The Secret Weapon
- Every team needs a wild card—someone you don’t think is a threat but comes out of nowhere to create chaos. The mantis shrimp may be small, but has incredible eyesight and ridiculous strength. It can smash its prey with the force of a 22-caliber bullet, easily breaking through the shell of a mollusk or even glass!
The Cuttlefish: The Master of Disguise
- Cuttlefish are arguably one of the coolest creatures in the sea. They’re astonishingly smart, and they can change their color and even shape to match their surroundings. In any heist, it’s vital to have a camouflage expert, and there’s no ocean denizen more qualified than the cuttlefish.
The Bottlenose Dolphin: The Right-Hand Cetacean
- Every heist needs a ringleader, and every ringleader needs a right-hand man, and the bottlenose dolphin makes a perfect partner in crime. Though they’re extremely intelligent and speedy swimmers, the real value of a dolphin in a heist situation is their charisma. Who could stay mad at a smiling, squeaking dolphin? These guys could charm their way out of any sticky situation, and outsmart the guards at every turn.
The Octopus: The Mastermind
- Finally, we’ve gotten to the brains of the operation, the one who brings our motley crew together, our protagonist—the octopus! With eight arms, three hearts and one big brain (not to mention eight smaller bundles of neurons, one for each arm!), the octopus is well equipped to mastermind a heist. They’re one of the smartest invertebrates in the ocean, and they’ve been shown to be excellent at puzzles while living in captivity. They’re also excellent at squeezing through small spaces and camouflaging themselves. Moreover, octopuses traditionally like to spend time alone, making them all the more compelling as the protagonist of a group heist film. By the end of the movie, our hero octopus will have gained the real treasure: friendship.
Whether or not you agree with my picks for the ocean’s eight, I think we can all recognize that there are some pretty amazing fish in the sea. And Hollywood, if you’re reading this, I’m available to executive produce the project.
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